A - Z Guide to Commuting by Train

A - Always let people off the trains before you try to get on
B- Be prepared to stand for long periods of time
C - Carry a mobile phone – everyone else does, (but don't have the theme tune to 'Mission Impossible' as the ring tone if you don't want people to smirk when they hear it eminating meaningfully from the area of your groin at inappropriate times)
D - Don’t sit next to weirdos if you can avoid it, don't fall asleep on the last train home, don't pull the emregency cord unless it is an emergency, don't use the toilet when the train is at a station, don't stamp on people's toes if they are bigger than you, don't read over somebody's shoulder, don't read the poems on the underground out loud, don't sing, don't play hand-held computer games, don't stand in front of a man in a flasher-mac, don't hide in the loo if you haven't got a ticket, (they always check the loos - walk up and down the aisle), don't leave chewing gum on the seat, don't believe everything your read
E - Expect to be late
F - Forget all usual rules of social engagement
G - Give the elderly, pregnant, inform and those with restricted mobility the chance to sit down if possible
H - Hold on to something if you are standing – preferably part of the train
I - Identify the nearest and easiest exit
J - Just walk to the carriage nearest to you with available seats
K - Know where you need to get off
L - Luggage is a nuisance but don’t be ignorant by leaving it on the seat next to you unless the train is almost empty
M - Mind the gap
N - Never forget to buy a ticket
O - Open fizzy drinks that you have bought with care, especially if you have just run for the train, as spraying your travelling companions with liquid tends not to be popular
P - Prepare yourself for delays
Q - Quit doing this if you can
R - Resist the urge to bash the people in the face who turn on their mobile phones and say, “hello, it’s me, I’m on the train”, or "I'm just coming into Waterloo", or "I'll be home in five minutes"
S - Stay calm when people tread on your toes
T - Tact and diplomacy are not compatible with getting the last remaining seat
U - Use the loo before you get on the train – there may not be one on there and the journey may take longer than expected
V - Virtually every train in going to be late so consider catching earlier trains if that matters
W - Wait until the train stops before opening the doors
X – try not to be; (‘cross’ for those not familiar with lateral thinking and semiotics)
Y - You should not assume that the train that you are getting on will necessarily go all the way to its specified destination
Z - Zyban may be a good idea if you are presently a smoker…you can’t smoke on the underground