Existential Crisis of a Christmas Tree

Have you ever thought just how hard

it must be to be a Christmas tree when your

needles have all fallen off, the decorations

have gone, the presents have been opened

and the twelve days have passed?

What would be your meaning in life?

What would become of you?

Spare your tree a thought...

...after all, it may be about to steal your diary

and publish it on the internet!

A - Z Guide to Commuting by Train

A - Always let people off the trains before you try to get on
B- Be prepared to stand for long periods of time
C - Carry a mobile phone – everyone else does, (but don't have the theme tune to 'Mission Impossible' as the ring tone if you don't want people to smirk when they hear it eminating meaningfully from the area of your groin at inappropriate times)
D - Don’t sit next to weirdos if you can avoid it, don't fall asleep on the last train home, don't pull the emregency cord unless it is an emergency, don't use the toilet when the train is at a station, don't stamp on people's toes if they are bigger than you, don't read over somebody's shoulder, don't read the poems on the underground out loud, don't sing, don't play hand-held computer games, don't stand in front of a man in a flasher-mac, don't hide in the loo if you haven't got a ticket, (they always check the loos - walk up and down the aisle), don't leave chewing gum on the seat, don't believe everything your read
E - Expect to be late
F - Forget all usual rules of social engagement
G - Give the elderly, pregnant, inform and those with restricted mobility the chance to sit down if possible
H - Hold on to something if you are standing – preferably part of the train
I - Identify the nearest and easiest exit
J - Just walk to the carriage nearest to you with available seats
K - Know where you need to get off
L - Luggage is a nuisance but don’t be ignorant by leaving it on the seat next to you unless the train is almost empty
M - Mind the gap
N - Never forget to buy a ticket
O - Open fizzy drinks that you have bought with care, especially if you have just run for the train, as spraying your travelling companions with liquid tends not to be popular
P - Prepare yourself for delays
Q - Quit doing this if you can
R - Resist the urge to bash the people in the face who turn on their mobile phones and say, “hello, it’s me, I’m on the train”, or "I'm just coming into Waterloo", or "I'll be home in five minutes"
S - Stay calm when people tread on your toes
T - Tact and diplomacy are not compatible with getting the last remaining seat
U - Use the loo before you get on the train – there may not be one on there and the journey may take longer than expected
V - Virtually every train in going to be late so consider catching earlier trains if that matters
W - Wait until the train stops before opening the doors
X – try not to be; (‘cross’ for those not familiar with lateral thinking and semiotics)
Y - You should not assume that the train that you are getting on will necessarily go all the way to its specified destination
Z - Zyban may be a good idea if you are presently a smoker…you can’t smoke on the underground

Shopping Trolley Swopping

Do you ever have those days when you just need to spend money for genuine retail therapy. Perhaps you want to buy your favourite food and wine, get extra biscuits for snacks, hit the deli for a feast-fest, and stock up on all the DVDs that have just come out including the ones you wouldn't want your work colleagues to see you buying. Comfort shopping is the thing! Well, there is a very simple way to do this and save money. Simply stock up the trolley, then at the last minute, swop it for one with really healthy food, (and not much of it), briefly left unattended by a sensible mature-looking person who has just stopped to stock up on fruit and veg. Swiftly take the newly appropriated trolley to the opposite end of the store, (they will never suspect that there is a trolley-swopper on the loose unless they have been targetted before) and lo, you can be out of there, happy, healthy and emotionally sated in minutes. Please note that it is not wise to do this if there are long queues at the checkout, if the trolley has a handbag in it or if the trolley has a child in it... and don't run too fast with the trolley or security will be alerted.

Missing Sock Songs

Odd Sock Rock (To tune of Bill Haley’s Rock Around the Clock)

One, two, three odd socks, four odd socks, rock
Five, six, seven odd socks, eight odd socks, rock
Nine, ten, eleven odd socks, twelve odd socks, rock
We’re gonna look for all the socks tonight…

I’m Looking For a Sock (To tune of I’m Wishing on a Star)

I’m looking for a sock
It’s missing from my drawer
I’ve seven gone this week
I can’t lose any more
And I’m looking for the red one with the lace
I’m looking for the white one with the face
I’m looking for the black one with Pooh Bear
I’m looking for the Simpsons, I despair
I’m looking for a sock
Looking for a sock

They Drive Me Crazy (To Tune of She Drives Me Crazy)

I can’t help
The way I feel
The socks go missing
It’s unreal
I just have them on my mind
Will they come back, at what time?
I can tell you this for free
This waiting round is killing me

They drive me crazy
Like nothing else
They drive me crazy
and I can’t help myself

I can’t get
Any rest
People say
I’m obsessed
Every sock that disappears
Leaves me sitting here in tears
I resort to drinking beers
Struggling with my foot-bare fears

Jeste... recipe for the week

Chocolate Cateaux

Ingredients:

3-4 kgs of quality chocolate

7 litres of cream

1 large rich chocolate cake

1 ginger tom cat

1 quick cook complete spaghetti bolognese

1 dustbin

antiseptic cream

Here's What you Do:

Place the cake, cat and half the cream in the dustbin and place the lid on the bin. Eat some chocolate. After five minutes remove the lid and add more cream to compensate for the cream eaten by the cat. Replace cat, which you will probably find under the cooker or behind the fridge. Eat some chocolate and scratches on your arm from the cat with antiseptic cream. Repeat this procedure until you either run out of cream, the cat gets tired of playing or your hands and arms are too sore to continue. If the cat stays in the bin long enough give it a gentle shake and if you're lucky you should end up with a fine creation such as our picture shows. more often than not the cat wins and you get scratched to ribbons. If this happens, heat the spaghetti bolognese as an alternative. Nobody will notice, and the cat will be happier. Do NOT hurt or harm the cat, or shake it hard!