In consideration of the irritation of telesales, and responses thereto, the following
came to mind…
When asked is that “Miss/Mrs” etc say:
no, they don’t live here any more; (may affect your banking though)
they can’t answer the phone,
they have impaired hearing
I’m not allowed to talk to strangers
Can I have your home number first please as you have mine so that I can call you when YOU get home from work
Sorry, that won’t be possible - this phone only takes outgoing calls
You’ve got the wrong number, please call… (and give them the number for another of the junk mail things/sales)
I’m not supposed to talk to people while I’m taking my medication
May I borrow a spoon (always fun to confuse ‘em)
But I never ordered a take-away
I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. (Just keep repeating it if they try and continue. )
You’ve got the wrong number
Before they start their “spiel”, explain that your charging rate is £200 per hour, you accept their offer to consult you so could you have their billing address please before you start and you are timing the call from…
“Que?” often works.
Explain that you don’t have whatever corresponds to what they are trying to sell, so eg
Double glazing – I don’t have any windows (had a few stunned silences to this one)
New kitchen – don’t have a kitchen
Doors – property doesn’t have doors
Bank – don’t believe in money, so decided not to use it any more. Or considering changing bank to one that does not ring you at home at inconvenient times.
Wall protection - …get the gist
Phones – I have a phobia about them and can’t use them
Or – I’ve just paid for that to be done actually
And always add “and please take me off your mailing list”.
Or - This is the fifth time I’ve been called about this and it constitutes harassment. What is your full name and address please so that I can advise the police? (It took this for me to stop the RAC calling me after I ceased my membership – they threatened me with one breakdown too many). They usually hang up.
Sorry, it’s not convenient. “When would be a good time?”… there isn’t a good time, we run our business from home and you are blocking the line, so if you’ll excuse me. – or just “never”.
Of course, you may choose to talk to them about something as irrelevant as what they are talking to you about, or trying to sell them something can be fun if you are really bored. Get obscure – ask what colour socks they are wearing, what do they think about congestion charging, are they interested in the transpersonal approach to artistic practice… “just before we discuss that, did you see the eclipse last night”… When they try and draw the conversation back to sales, you can comment that “I can tell you don’t really want to talk to me. You don’t like me do you?” or other such joy. Then add that you should warn them this call is being recorded for training purposes, as you are presently working for their main competitor. Actually starting the call with, “this call is being recorded for training purposes” tends to unsettle most of them… especially if you add that this is a police station! Or “I’m just going to put you on loud speaker so that everyone can hear you”.
Then you can always put the phone next to the speaker and play your favourite rendition of Greensleeves on full blast – get your own back.
Or very simply say, “I’m just going to have to put you on hold” …
Or “actually you’ve come through to the massage parlour.”
Clip board carriers – also a nuisance.
If they are doing market research, they are not allowed to survey other market researchers, so often the words, “sorry – market researcher” effects a speedy release.
I tend to favour the miserable approach – eg if trying to sign up to protect animals, children, etc: “sorry, I can’t stand… cats, dogs, children, geriatrics, pens…”.
“I’m on benefit” gets you out of most financial surveys.
Or you can try the Trevor Eve in ‘Waking the Dead’ approach “sorry, I think you’ve mistaken me somebody who gives a shit”.
Or the sympathetic approach “I’m already a member – keep up the good work”
Or the scary approach, “I have a contagious disease, so you may prefer me not to handle that”.
Or simply “actually I bat for the other side”
“Sorry, I can’t write my name” tends to go down well. Signing somebody else’s name is funnier, (but not if it is legally binding or may be tantamount to fraud or trying to pervert the course of justice).
Unfortunately this contrary approach has started creeping into other areas of my life, for example, when shopping last week the checkout assistance commented that I must have a lot of cats. Rather than explain that they are faddy eaters and may or may not eat half the food, I just smiled sweetly and explained, “actually it’s for the baby. She’s been off her food, but we’ve found she likes the cat’s food”. You should have seen the look on the face of the woman behind me! Art as approach I say!!
