It seems to be open season for checkout assistants to comment on the items that I am choosing to purchase in Sainsburys. Perhaps they view it as making polite conversation. A short survey has established that on about 1 in 4 of my visits, observation is made about the amount of cat food that I buy. (I cannot help but wonder what other cat owners do. Perhaps most people with two cats buy wholesale...). So I have taken to responding to the observation that "You must have a lot of cats" with a genial smile and one of the following comments:
"No actually I don't have any cats. It's the only thing we can find that the baby will eat".
"It's not for the cats. I found out that my husband has been cheating on me, so I have been using it to make his meals for three weeks now".
"Actually I've been feeding it to the tadpoles. They're carnivorous you know, and it stops them eating each other". [As it happens the latter is not far removed from the truth...]
I certainly won't be going to Sainsburys to purchase contraceptives...
Saturday, 14 July 2007
Monday, 5 March 2007
Telesales
In consideration of the irritation of telesales, and responses thereto, the following
came to mind…
When asked is that “Miss/Mrs” etc say:
no, they don’t live here any more; (may affect your banking though)
they can’t answer the phone,
they have impaired hearing
I’m not allowed to talk to strangers
Can I have your home number first please as you have mine so that I can call you when YOU get home from work
Sorry, that won’t be possible - this phone only takes outgoing calls
You’ve got the wrong number, please call… (and give them the number for another of the junk mail things/sales)
I’m not supposed to talk to people while I’m taking my medication
May I borrow a spoon (always fun to confuse ‘em)
But I never ordered a take-away
I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. (Just keep repeating it if they try and continue. )
You’ve got the wrong number
Before they start their “spiel”, explain that your charging rate is £200 per hour, you accept their offer to consult you so could you have their billing address please before you start and you are timing the call from…
“Que?” often works.
Explain that you don’t have whatever corresponds to what they are trying to sell, so eg
Double glazing – I don’t have any windows (had a few stunned silences to this one)
New kitchen – don’t have a kitchen
Doors – property doesn’t have doors
Bank – don’t believe in money, so decided not to use it any more. Or considering changing bank to one that does not ring you at home at inconvenient times.
Wall protection - …get the gist
Phones – I have a phobia about them and can’t use them
Or – I’ve just paid for that to be done actually
And always add “and please take me off your mailing list”.
Or - This is the fifth time I’ve been called about this and it constitutes harassment. What is your full name and address please so that I can advise the police? (It took this for me to stop the RAC calling me after I ceased my membership – they threatened me with one breakdown too many). They usually hang up.
Sorry, it’s not convenient. “When would be a good time?”… there isn’t a good time, we run our business from home and you are blocking the line, so if you’ll excuse me. – or just “never”.
Of course, you may choose to talk to them about something as irrelevant as what they are talking to you about, or trying to sell them something can be fun if you are really bored. Get obscure – ask what colour socks they are wearing, what do they think about congestion charging, are they interested in the transpersonal approach to artistic practice… “just before we discuss that, did you see the eclipse last night”… When they try and draw the conversation back to sales, you can comment that “I can tell you don’t really want to talk to me. You don’t like me do you?” or other such joy. Then add that you should warn them this call is being recorded for training purposes, as you are presently working for their main competitor. Actually starting the call with, “this call is being recorded for training purposes” tends to unsettle most of them… especially if you add that this is a police station! Or “I’m just going to put you on loud speaker so that everyone can hear you”.
Then you can always put the phone next to the speaker and play your favourite rendition of Greensleeves on full blast – get your own back.
Or very simply say, “I’m just going to have to put you on hold” …
Or “actually you’ve come through to the massage parlour.”
Clip board carriers – also a nuisance.
If they are doing market research, they are not allowed to survey other market researchers, so often the words, “sorry – market researcher” effects a speedy release.
I tend to favour the miserable approach – eg if trying to sign up to protect animals, children, etc: “sorry, I can’t stand… cats, dogs, children, geriatrics, pens…”.
“I’m on benefit” gets you out of most financial surveys.
Or you can try the Trevor Eve in ‘Waking the Dead’ approach “sorry, I think you’ve mistaken me somebody who gives a shit”.
Or the sympathetic approach “I’m already a member – keep up the good work”
Or the scary approach, “I have a contagious disease, so you may prefer me not to handle that”.
Or simply “actually I bat for the other side”
“Sorry, I can’t write my name” tends to go down well. Signing somebody else’s name is funnier, (but not if it is legally binding or may be tantamount to fraud or trying to pervert the course of justice).
Unfortunately this contrary approach has started creeping into other areas of my life, for example, when shopping last week the checkout assistance commented that I must have a lot of cats. Rather than explain that they are faddy eaters and may or may not eat half the food, I just smiled sweetly and explained, “actually it’s for the baby. She’s been off her food, but we’ve found she likes the cat’s food”. You should have seen the look on the face of the woman behind me! Art as approach I say!!
came to mind…
When asked is that “Miss/Mrs” etc say:
no, they don’t live here any more; (may affect your banking though)
they can’t answer the phone,
they have impaired hearing
I’m not allowed to talk to strangers
Can I have your home number first please as you have mine so that I can call you when YOU get home from work
Sorry, that won’t be possible - this phone only takes outgoing calls
You’ve got the wrong number, please call… (and give them the number for another of the junk mail things/sales)
I’m not supposed to talk to people while I’m taking my medication
May I borrow a spoon (always fun to confuse ‘em)
But I never ordered a take-away
I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. (Just keep repeating it if they try and continue. )
You’ve got the wrong number
Before they start their “spiel”, explain that your charging rate is £200 per hour, you accept their offer to consult you so could you have their billing address please before you start and you are timing the call from…
“Que?” often works.
Explain that you don’t have whatever corresponds to what they are trying to sell, so eg
Double glazing – I don’t have any windows (had a few stunned silences to this one)
New kitchen – don’t have a kitchen
Doors – property doesn’t have doors
Bank – don’t believe in money, so decided not to use it any more. Or considering changing bank to one that does not ring you at home at inconvenient times.
Wall protection - …get the gist
Phones – I have a phobia about them and can’t use them
Or – I’ve just paid for that to be done actually
And always add “and please take me off your mailing list”.
Or - This is the fifth time I’ve been called about this and it constitutes harassment. What is your full name and address please so that I can advise the police? (It took this for me to stop the RAC calling me after I ceased my membership – they threatened me with one breakdown too many). They usually hang up.
Sorry, it’s not convenient. “When would be a good time?”… there isn’t a good time, we run our business from home and you are blocking the line, so if you’ll excuse me. – or just “never”.
Of course, you may choose to talk to them about something as irrelevant as what they are talking to you about, or trying to sell them something can be fun if you are really bored. Get obscure – ask what colour socks they are wearing, what do they think about congestion charging, are they interested in the transpersonal approach to artistic practice… “just before we discuss that, did you see the eclipse last night”… When they try and draw the conversation back to sales, you can comment that “I can tell you don’t really want to talk to me. You don’t like me do you?” or other such joy. Then add that you should warn them this call is being recorded for training purposes, as you are presently working for their main competitor. Actually starting the call with, “this call is being recorded for training purposes” tends to unsettle most of them… especially if you add that this is a police station! Or “I’m just going to put you on loud speaker so that everyone can hear you”.
Then you can always put the phone next to the speaker and play your favourite rendition of Greensleeves on full blast – get your own back.
Or very simply say, “I’m just going to have to put you on hold” …
Or “actually you’ve come through to the massage parlour.”
Clip board carriers – also a nuisance.
If they are doing market research, they are not allowed to survey other market researchers, so often the words, “sorry – market researcher” effects a speedy release.
I tend to favour the miserable approach – eg if trying to sign up to protect animals, children, etc: “sorry, I can’t stand… cats, dogs, children, geriatrics, pens…”.
“I’m on benefit” gets you out of most financial surveys.
Or you can try the Trevor Eve in ‘Waking the Dead’ approach “sorry, I think you’ve mistaken me somebody who gives a shit”.
Or the sympathetic approach “I’m already a member – keep up the good work”
Or the scary approach, “I have a contagious disease, so you may prefer me not to handle that”.
Or simply “actually I bat for the other side”
“Sorry, I can’t write my name” tends to go down well. Signing somebody else’s name is funnier, (but not if it is legally binding or may be tantamount to fraud or trying to pervert the course of justice).
Unfortunately this contrary approach has started creeping into other areas of my life, for example, when shopping last week the checkout assistance commented that I must have a lot of cats. Rather than explain that they are faddy eaters and may or may not eat half the food, I just smiled sweetly and explained, “actually it’s for the baby. She’s been off her food, but we’ve found she likes the cat’s food”. You should have seen the look on the face of the woman behind me! Art as approach I say!!
Saturday, 16 December 2006
Existential Crisis of a Christmas Tree
Have you ever thought just how hard
it must be to be a Christmas tree when your
needles have all fallen off, the decorations
have gone.bmp)
, the presents have been opened
.bmp)
, the presents have been opened and the twelve days have passed?
What would be your meaning in life?
What would become of you?
Spare your tree a thought...
...after all, it may be about to steal your diary
and publish it on the internet!
A - Z Guide to Commuting by Train
A - Always let people off the trains before you try to get on
B- Be prepared to stand for long periods of time
C - Carry a mobile phone – everyone else does, (but don't have the theme tune to 'Mission Impossible' as the ring tone if you don't want people to smirk when they hear it eminating meaningfully from the area of your groin at inappropriate times)
D - Don’t sit next to weirdos if you can avoid it, don't fall asleep on the last train home, don't pull the emregency cord unless it is an emergency, don't use the toilet when the train is at a station, don't stamp on people's toes if they are bigger than you, don't read over somebody's shoulder, don't read the poems on the underground out loud, don't sing, don't play hand-held computer games, don't stand in front of a man in a flasher-mac, don't hide in the loo if you haven't got a ticket, (they always check the loos - walk up and down the aisle), don't leave chewing gum on the seat, don't believe everything your read
E - Expect to be late
F - Forget all usual rules of social engagement
G - Give the elderly, pregnant, inform and those with restricted mobility the chance to sit down if possible
H - Hold on to something if you are standing – preferably part of the train
I - Identify the nearest and easiest exit
J - Just walk to the carriage nearest to you with available seats
K - Know where you need to get off
L - Luggage is a nuisance but don’t be ignorant by leaving it on the seat next to you unless the train is almost empty
M - Mind the gap
N - Never forget to buy a ticket
O - Open fizzy drinks that you have bought with care, especially if you have just run for the train, as spraying your travelling companions with liquid tends not to be popular
P - Prepare yourself for delays
Q - Quit doing this if you can
R - Resist the urge to bash the people in the face who turn on their mobile phones and say, “hello, it’s me, I’m on the train”, or "I'm just coming into Waterloo", or "I'll be home in five minutes"
S - Stay calm when people tread on your toes
T - Tact and diplomacy are not compatible with getting the last remaining seat
U - Use the loo before you get on the train – there may not be one on there and the journey may take longer than expected
V - Virtually every train in going to be late so consider catching earlier trains if that matters
W - Wait until the train stops before opening the doors
X – try not to be; (‘cross’ for those not familiar with lateral thinking and semiotics)
Y - You should not assume that the train that you are getting on will necessarily go all the way to its specified destination
Z - Zyban may be a good idea if you are presently a smoker…you can’t smoke on the underground
B- Be prepared to stand for long periods of time
C - Carry a mobile phone – everyone else does, (but don't have the theme tune to 'Mission Impossible' as the ring tone if you don't want people to smirk when they hear it eminating meaningfully from the area of your groin at inappropriate times)
D - Don’t sit next to weirdos if you can avoid it, don't fall asleep on the last train home, don't pull the emregency cord unless it is an emergency, don't use the toilet when the train is at a station, don't stamp on people's toes if they are bigger than you, don't read over somebody's shoulder, don't read the poems on the underground out loud, don't sing, don't play hand-held computer games, don't stand in front of a man in a flasher-mac, don't hide in the loo if you haven't got a ticket, (they always check the loos - walk up and down the aisle), don't leave chewing gum on the seat, don't believe everything your read
E - Expect to be late
F - Forget all usual rules of social engagement
G - Give the elderly, pregnant, inform and those with restricted mobility the chance to sit down if possible
H - Hold on to something if you are standing – preferably part of the train
I - Identify the nearest and easiest exit
J - Just walk to the carriage nearest to you with available seats
K - Know where you need to get off
L - Luggage is a nuisance but don’t be ignorant by leaving it on the seat next to you unless the train is almost empty
M - Mind the gap
N - Never forget to buy a ticket
O - Open fizzy drinks that you have bought with care, especially if you have just run for the train, as spraying your travelling companions with liquid tends not to be popular
P - Prepare yourself for delays
Q - Quit doing this if you can
R - Resist the urge to bash the people in the face who turn on their mobile phones and say, “hello, it’s me, I’m on the train”, or "I'm just coming into Waterloo", or "I'll be home in five minutes"
S - Stay calm when people tread on your toes
T - Tact and diplomacy are not compatible with getting the last remaining seat
U - Use the loo before you get on the train – there may not be one on there and the journey may take longer than expected
V - Virtually every train in going to be late so consider catching earlier trains if that matters
W - Wait until the train stops before opening the doors
X – try not to be; (‘cross’ for those not familiar with lateral thinking and semiotics)
Y - You should not assume that the train that you are getting on will necessarily go all the way to its specified destination
Z - Zyban may be a good idea if you are presently a smoker…you can’t smoke on the underground
Friday, 15 December 2006
Shopping Trolley Swopping
Do you ever have those days when you just need to spend money for genuine retail therapy. Perhaps you want to buy your favourite food and wine, get extra biscuits for snacks, hit the deli for a feast-fest, and stock up on all the DVDs that have just come out including the ones you wouldn't want your work colleagues to see you buying. Comfort shopping is the thing! Well, there is a very simple way to do this and save money. Simply stock up the trolley, then at the last minute, swop it for one with really healthy food, (and not much of it), briefly left unattended by a sensible mature-looking person who has just stopped to stock up on fruit and veg. Swiftly take the newly appropriated trolley to the opposite end of the store, (they will never suspect that there is a trolley-swopper on the loose unless they have been targetted before) and lo, you can be out of there, happy, healthy and emotionally sated in minutes. Please note that it is not wise to do this if there are long queues at the checkout, if the trolley has a handbag in it or if the trolley has a child in it... and don't run too fast with the trolley or security will be alerted.
Missing Sock Songs
Odd Sock Rock (To tune of Bill Haley’s Rock Around the Clock)
One, two, three odd socks, four odd socks, rock
Five, six, seven odd socks, eight odd socks, rock
Nine, ten, eleven odd socks, twelve odd socks, rock
We’re gonna look for all the socks tonight…
I’m Looking For a Sock (To tune of I’m Wishing on a Star)
I’m looking for a sock
It’s missing from my drawer
I’ve seven gone this week
I can’t lose any more
And I’m looking for the red one with the lace
I’m looking for the white one with the face
I’m looking for the black one with Pooh Bear
I’m looking for the Simpsons, I despair
I’m looking for a sock
Looking for a sock
They Drive Me Crazy (To Tune of She Drives Me Crazy)
I can’t help
The way I feel
The socks go missing
It’s unreal
I just have them on my mind
Will they come back, at what time?
I can tell you this for free
This waiting round is killing me
They drive me crazy
Like nothing else
They drive me crazy
and I can’t help myself
I can’t get
Any rest
People say
I’m obsessed
Every sock that disappears
Leaves me sitting here in tears
I resort to drinking beers
Struggling with my foot-bare fears
One, two, three odd socks, four odd socks, rock
Five, six, seven odd socks, eight odd socks, rock
Nine, ten, eleven odd socks, twelve odd socks, rock
We’re gonna look for all the socks tonight…
I’m Looking For a Sock (To tune of I’m Wishing on a Star)
I’m looking for a sock
It’s missing from my drawer
I’ve seven gone this week
I can’t lose any more
And I’m looking for the red one with the lace
I’m looking for the white one with the face
I’m looking for the black one with Pooh Bear
I’m looking for the Simpsons, I despair
I’m looking for a sock
Looking for a sock
They Drive Me Crazy (To Tune of She Drives Me Crazy)
I can’t help
The way I feel
The socks go missing
It’s unreal
I just have them on my mind
Will they come back, at what time?
I can tell you this for free
This waiting round is killing me
They drive me crazy
Like nothing else
They drive me crazy
and I can’t help myself
I can’t get
Any rest
People say
I’m obsessed
Every sock that disappears
Leaves me sitting here in tears
I resort to drinking beers
Struggling with my foot-bare fears
Saturday, 9 December 2006
Jeste... recipe for the week
Chocolate Cateaux
Ingredients:
3-4 kgs of quality chocolate
7 litres of cream
1 large rich chocolate cake
1 ginger tom cat
1 quick cook complete spaghetti bolognese
1 dustbin
antiseptic cream
Here's What you Do:
Place the cake, cat and half the cream in the dustbin and place the lid on the bin. Eat some chocolate. After five minutes remove the lid and add more cream to compensate for the cream eaten by the cat. Replace cat, which you will probably find under the cooker or behind the fridge. Eat some chocolate and scratches on your arm from the cat with antiseptic cream. Repeat this procedure until you either run out of cream, the cat gets tired of playing or your hands and arms are too sore to continue. If the cat stays in the bin long enough give it a gentle shake and if you're lucky you should end up with a fine creation such as our picture shows. more often than not the cat wins and you get scratched to ribbons. If this happens, heat the spaghetti bolognese as an alternative. Nobody will notice, and the cat will be happier. Do NOT hurt or harm the cat, or shake it hard!
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