Missing Sock Theories

Sock Displacement Theories (A Recognised Branch of Sockology)

This is an investigation into the matter of sock displacement, better known as missing sock theories. Amongst other things, the problems caused by sock displacement can include marital disharmony and massive losses to industry as huge numbers of working hours are lost due to people, especially men, being late for work because of looking for their missing socks.

There are a number of issues under investigation. These may be summarised as what makes socks go missing, when they do go missing where do they go, what makes them come back and what can you, as a responsible sock owner, do about the problem.

There are a number of theories concerning why socks go missing. The main ones can be summarised as follows:

Firstly, the missing socks have simply never made it to the washing machine, and are either to be found secreted at the bottom of the laundry basket, under the bed, or in trouser legs.
Secondly, the socks become hidden in other garments in the washing, such as duvet covers, trousers and shirt sleeves.
Thirdly, the socks disappear into a fifth dimension and remain in the washing machine, but cannot be seen, and becoming temporarily invisible to the naked eye
Fourthly, the missing socks dematerialise and telekinetically rematerialise in a large hidden area believed to be several miles outside Milton Keynes. The exact location of the site is not known and can only be guessed at from an ancient map unexpectedly found in the boot of a Mazda MX5 lent to a hairdresser called Lisa in Farnborough in Hampshire in July 2001.
Fifthly, most washing machines contain a carefully designed extra area within the drum that opens up whilst the machine is operating, then closes when the cycle finishes, drawing small items – ie socks, into its confines.
Finally, the sock fairies take them. This theory is particularly prolific in dark outreaches of the West Country such as the beautiful village of Urchfont at the edge of Salisbury Plain, and in parts of Surrey.
Alien Abduction.
(???? Whether to include – Bloody Women Theory – propounded on basis that women simply sweep up the washing without checking whether they have picked up pairs of socks etc. Contrasting to the quickly formed Bloody Men Theory, which is of course that bloody men virtually never put their own washing in the washing machine: Perhaps to be supplemented by the Bloody Dog Theory – that the dog nicks them and eats them when they are really smelly.????)

It is interesting that the issue is rarely an existential one concerning these missing socks – for we are not left wondering whether they still exist, but with the sure certainty that they still do exist and that the question is simply where they have gone to.

Apart from those explanations already proffered as to the whereabouts of missing socks, the main question remains for those who favour the sock fairy theory – for the possibility must exist of sock mountains, just like tooth mountains built by the tooth fairies and biro mountains caused by the pen fairies. There is obviously a particular problem in developed urban areas, especially with blocks of high rise flats, where there simply is no garden available for the socks to be hidden at the bottom of.

Let us move on then to what causes the missing socks to re-emerge. The main trigger or replacement events, as sock theorists refer to them, are as follows:

a) the remaining sock going missing
b) the remaining sock fading by at least 25%
c) the remaining sock being filled up with catnip and chucked to the cat
d) the remaining sock being thrown away
e) the style of sock going completely out of fashion
f) the fairies getting fed up with the smell
g) the washing machine malfunctioning
h) the person who owned the missing sock leaving the household
i) the passage of a period of not less than three weeks

How then is one to overcome the problem of socks disappearing? There are several ways of displacement avoidance, much depending upon which of the original displacement theories you most favour:

a) Only wear odd socks – although this can have fashion implications
b) Don’t wear any socks
c) Tie or chain your socks together – remember though that this may make walking uncomfortable
d) Put your socks into one of those dinky little net bags when you wash them, then if one sock is going to disappear, there is a likelihood of all of them going at once
e) Wear long trousers so that the colour and style of socks does not draw attention, whether matching or no
f) Always buy all socks the same so that the missing offenders can not be identified
g) Never throw out or use for household cleaning or pet entertaining purposes your odd socks
h) Never remove your socks

Of course the whole subject of sock displacement theory generally only raises issues for those people who feel compelled to think of socks as necessarily coupled entities. If our society could come to terms with the phenomena of singleness, and be prepared to consider just the single sock in its own right, such investigation would be unnecessary. The psychological impacts of sock displacement are only just beginning to be fully understood.

Academic studies of the works of Freud, Kant, Heidegger and Marx are still being interpreted in the hope that these may shed some light upon our plight.

It has, though, to be accepted that it is inherent in the nature of a sock to want to go ‘walkabout’, but it is also true that much as Arnold Schwarzenegger in that great film Terminator, they also usually tend to have the attitude: ‘I’ll be back’ and in that hope we may rest.

Those persons interested in other artistic issues are invited to view the blog at http://arts-desire.blogspot.com/

Copyright Fiona K Taylor 2009
Script and lyrics written by Fiona K Taylor.